Categories
News World

Kim Jong-Un cancels nuclear war, reveals he is K-pop star PSY

Kim Jong-Un's real war was waged on our minds.
Kim Jong-Un’s real war was waged on our minds.

PYONGYANG — Thursday evening, Dear Leader Kim Jong-Un revealed to pathetic American audiences his secret life as K-pop star PSY, of “Gangnam Style” fame. The “Gangnam Style” YouTube video was viewed more than any video in the history of time, fulfilling the Kim Dynasty’s global dominance and the cultural manifest destiny of Juche Ideology. Both Noam Chomsky and UN chief Ban Ki-moon were swept up in the Kim family’s ingenious culture-jamming plot, which required Jong-Un’s younger brother, Kim Mok-Jong, to stand-in for him at home in North Korea.

By whipping up a global hysteria with heroic nuclear tests and bombastic rhetoric, Glorious Leader Kim Jong-Un has drawn the greatest amount of attention simply to reveal this impeccable and magnificent prank. Cultural Anthropologist Dr. Ng Tong, who is credited with writing Gangnam Style, said, “The inferior Caucasian and African minds were not able to understand the overt anti-American messages of Gangnam Style, but it nonetheless became the most popular song. We can create hit songs like this at will, and over time we believe it will spell a final global victory for Kim Jong-Un.”

Categories
Reviews Video

George Carlin shamefully works low-end corporate conference circuit

Dead comedy legend George Carlin has been commissioned to sell data-center solutions at several low-end corporate conferences in the area. Are the rumors true, or is this the work of a dangerous impostor?

http://youtu.be/yXHatWRE2w4

[pullquote]He’s like an off-brand Ninja Turtle you just want to punch in the face.
-rsplatpc[/pullquote]Impressionist Joe Beddia stripped all the “bad words” from Carlin’s famous act, “Stuff,” making it ironically more profane – while otherwise plagiarizing it verbatim with the obvious exception of replacing the word “stuff” with “data” in order to sell NetBackup, Backup Exec and Enterprise Vault to the fat white assholes running corporate America. The whole act demands of its audience more than six excruciating minutes of assumed disbelief: “Gosh, doesn’t he just seem like George Carlin!”

internetchronicle.org/ theoretical physicist Dr. Angstrom Troubadauer said, "Joe 'Beddia' watch the fuck out, because he is treading sacred ground for cheap laughs. Personally, I would like to rape Mr. Beddia, cut off his head, and shit down his neck." Whoa. Easy there, guy.

Joe Beddia - the godfather of cringe
Beddia has been called “The Godfather of cringe.”

Dr. Troubadauer has called Beddia’s Carlin act “unoriginal and uninspired,” and said the performance “comes off as an offensive mockery” of one of America’s most legendary comedians.

“Not only that,” Troubadauer said, “it is like driving your own personal nail into the man’s coffin if you just take the time to consider the fact that his uncanny likeness is being used to sell fucking data-center solutions to the very same corporations he satirized for belonging to an industry built around fucking the consumer. This man is clearly a danger to himself – as deranged as he is sad.”

What is perhaps most off-putting about the video, Troubadauer said, is Beddia’s impersonation of Carlin’s mannerisms and gestures is so impeccable that he has created an unfortunate uncanny valley – a shroud of realism that makes Beddia’s performance all the more disturbing where it lacks all the coherence, rhythm – and most importantly – humor of an authentic George Carlin performance.

Seriously, what an unfunny piece of shit.

internetchronicle.org/ is brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc. & Bulletball
Categories
News Status Quo

How a new machine could collapse the bitcoin market

Bitcoins may soon be worth next to nothing at all.
Bitcoins may soon be worth next to nothing at all.

INTERNET — New hardware designed by Butterfly Labs promises to mine bitcoins more cheaply than ever before. If you aren’t familiar with bitcoins, they are a digital currency deriving their rarity and value through advanced cryptographic algorithms. Only so many bitcoins can be “found,” and they first wind up in the hands of those with enough computing cycles to slog through the complicated math.

In the past, the price of electricity did not make bitcoin mining a profitable endeavor, but engineers at Butterfly Labs have built a line of machines specifically designed to mine more bitcoins than ever before while using a minimal amount of electricity. Thousands of these mining machines have been pre-ordered and will soon ship to eager consumers hungry to make a quick buck.

Recently, the bitcoin market has been hit with severe hyper-deflation, and this rapid increase in bitcoin value could cause trading on the market to freeze up. In the past month, the price of a bitcoin has skyrocketed from $40 to nearly $100. Analysts concerned about new mining technology warn that this bubble may soon burst.