Meteor showers are violent death-displays of space’s dominance over mankind, and December’s Geminid meteor shower is only different from November’s leonid meteor shower in that it will be “twice as deadly,” says chief Elf Wax Astronomer Hem Cumming, who is also notably ‘Miley Cyrus’ biggest fan.’
One should look away from the skies between the hours of 12:00 am EST and dawn, and avoid going outside for any reason during these hours until the police tell you it’s safe to come back out of your homes, as there is no safe place in a meteor shower, nor would there be any hope for survival after being struck by one.
Elf Wax Scientist Langstrom T. Hugg said the scientific explanation for the Geminids states Gemini, the God of Slayer, master of demise, is reigning pure, crystalline hatred on the Earth for betraying him over Jesus, and this is what brave Astronomers see streaking across the night sky, should they dare to look.
Green shit fills the sky
“We’re basically populating the foretold Hell on Earth,” said Dr. Hugg. “The Bible prophecies many things, including the housing crisis, and the Black Dawn of the Anti-Christ, Barack Obama. The mind-blowing pain of the Geminid meteor shower reminds us never to foresake Gemini again, and that we should fear Jesus more than we love him.”
The phony scientific community that claims Dr. Hugg’s research is “invalid” because it is “not based on fact” should be disregarded, said Dr. Hugg, “because they have already proven to The Elf Wax Times, and thus to America, that they are not worthy of God’s Glory when they gave credence to the hedonistic pleasures of the dinosaur bones, put here to test our faith in the glorious Lord who neither The Elf Wax Times, nor I, dare not forsake.”
As lead astronomer for The Elf Wax Times Dr. Hugg is the only source used, his word is accepted as unerring fact. So it is with great responsibility and duty to our loyal readers that you stay indoors, America, and let those Phillipino know-nothings die like dogs in their rice patties under the fiery wrath of Gemini so we may take their land in God’s name, amen.
Miami, Fl.–Elf Wax staff columnist and celebrated Communist Kirill Milosevic was fatally gunned down in a battle with police outside a Miami jail on Friday. Having no middle name after it was stolen in Leningrad, Milosevic was said by reporters to have been protesting America’s increasingly anti-nuclear warfare stance.
“More nukes would kill more people,” Milosevic once quipped during a White House press conference, “and not one American would have to die.” Indeed, Milosevic’s views on nuclear disarmament were controversial, but influenced, no doubt, by the automatic-tactical-nightmare-scenario conditioning of Civilization II – Multiplayer Gold Edition. “Fuck the Republic,” Milosevic once screamed during a game, crashing his heavy, alcoholic fists into the keyboard. “THERE WILL BE – REVOLUTION!”
“He will be remembered far and wide. His face, eternally scorched into the backs of our eyes. His memory, effervescent like the taste of raw iodine under nuclear winter. His words, permanent.”
– Fearless President and World Emporer Barack Hussein Obama
Milosevic agreed that we have too many nuclear weapons and he once believed that the solution to the problem of nuclear backstock was to fire “any number” of warheads indiscriminately toward any nation, even non-threatening government bodies, “like Switzerland, to set an example of respect among despicable, isolationist cowards.”
“He was right,” said Robert Hussein Obama, the blackest man to ever be elected as President of the United States of America. “If I had nuked Iran during my first day in office, we wouldn’t be dealing with their concealed nuclear reactor today. Milosevic, like Brokaw, was a good man who lived for the truth and died for less, and he will be missed long after the wake of his death settles on the entire journalistic community. He will be remembered far and wide. His face, eternally scorched into the backs of our eyes. His memory effervescent, like the taste of raw iodine under nuclear winter. His words, permanent.”
“Enough radiation,” said Elf Wax resident Doctor Langstrom T. Armstrong, “would send the message loud and clear that they don’t want Nukes.” Armstrong added later that saturating the human body in radiation and forcing upon it a death sentence “gets results.”
Which is why many experts allow that Milosevic’s opinions on nuclear weapons were not so far off-base, some going so far as to say nuclear weapons make people feel more secure, and give them self esteem and even the courage to forgo suicide temporarily, especially when consumers take into consideration that a booming nuclear warhead industry means freshly-available after school jobs for the industrious teen who wishes to help Mom and Dad out with the bills.
Milosevic knew, before any US President, that nuclear warheads, unlike stimulus bills, stimulate the economy, endowing it with a throbbing, radioactive erection relieved only by explosions, above-ground detonations, or long-range ejaculatory trajectories into the tits of Siberia.
“Not to mention,” added Langstrom, “Increased exposure to radiation leads to rapid terminal illnesses, producing high turnover rates at the job place.” Truly, it is the “perfect job” for the 16-18 crowd just looking for some quick spending money for a date at the movies or a Saturday night chemo bath.
But no matter how hotly debated Kirill Milosevic’s values became, there was no arguing with the fourteen pellets of 12-gauge spray to the face Friday night, to which Milosevic had no retort, and so he died clinging, with dedication, to the Stalinist values of Western Society. “Such paradoxes were issues Milosevic loved to muse upon,” said his wife, sister, and mother of their three devolving inbred spawn.
Legendary Elf Wax Campaign Journalist Covering the 2008 Elections
In one article, he dissected the Socialist agenda of Hussein Boma and contributed to a popular Elf Wax article written on the campaign trail titled “Socialism, and why I’m forcing it on you.” It was never published, due to fair, legitimate First Amendment restrictions imposed by the Police Sector of Lebal Drocer, Incorporated. Once again, truth was upheld.
Milosevic’s age was largely unknown for all his life because he was born in a field, under a new moon and then instantly separated from his mother by trusted Lebal Drocer affiliates out of fears that he may adopt her womanly traits, and fail to report the news objectively. He was subsequently raised by gun-toting military officials and MPs, and forced to sit in on political executions for entertainment.
Milosevic reigns supreme! Putin forever! Down with the tyrant! Barrac “Hussein” Obomma!
Rest in peace, comrade. Because the truth never will.
