Category: Science

You hear a whirring sound.

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Categories
Technology World

Newest iPhone app makes terrorism simpler

The newest iPhone app, released by iJihad, al-Qaeda’s software development team, has caused a stir in the Middle East.  Now with the touch of a few buttons, a would-be shoe bomber can now send any modern airliner hurtling out of the air.  The app, known as “Allah Akbar”  is so popular among terrorists that downloads have temporarily overwhelmed iJihad software servers.

This device is now a Weapon of Mass Destruction
This device is now a Weapon of Mass Destruction

“Jihad has always been a struggle, but thanks to the efforts of our programmers, one tech-savvy Mujaheddin can do the work of 9 highly trained box cutter wielding psychos. With their own device, we will undo the fabric of Western society and replace it with the will of Allah.”

Allah Akbar features incognito “behind the scenes” operation to elude detection, a direct touch-screen firing capability, and an MP3 file that will automate the final cry of victory, “Allah Akbar!”  But this is not all that makes iJihad’s Allah Akbar controversial. It is the program’s deliberate marketing to young Muslims in poor Middle Eastern villages.

Dial 911 for great victory
Dial 911 for great victory

“They are selling this app to idealistic young men who will probably never see an airplane unless it’s dropping bombs on them from 30,000 feet. It’s not fair that they should be spending their hard earned opium farming money on worthless apps that make them ‘feel’ more like a terrorist.  These young men need AK47s and ammo, not iPhones and apps that do all the terrorizing for them.”

Early skepticism is normal in the technophobic Middle East, but results are expected soon.  Younger radicals have expressed overwhelming support for further development of even more dangerous versions of the same software.

“I hope that in the future iJihad can create an app that will be able to one day hijack an airplane and crash it into monuments at the touch of a button, Allah willing.”

UPDATE:

An inordinate amount of airliners have begun to fall all over the Middle East, causing untold damage to already bombed-out cities in Afghanistan, Iraq, Pakistan, and Israel.

One Pakistani reviewer said of Allah Akbar’s main feature, “While I was at work, a 747 crashed into my house, causing untold loss, including our family dog and my youngest wife. After suffering a most collapsing grief, I stopped, dried my eyes and thought, ‘Finally, an iPhone that does something useful!’ They should start calling this thing the iPwn.”

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Categories
Technology

Internet addiction 'doubles teen self harm'

First off, lol.

The photo you see here accompanied the headline on this horribly-formatted website. Or, I can demonstrate it for you, and I’ll even throw in the ten seconds of editing that these lazy fucks clearly could not be bothered with. Or maybe they simply check to make sure their ads work in IE and say fuck the rest. Read to the end for the terrible truth.

Internet addiction ‘doubles teen self-harm’

These girls are probably just efficiently sexting.
These girls are probably just efficiently sexting.

By This N0t-So-Anonymous Douchebag.

Holy tits. It’s a story using Chinese research, you know this is legit.

Since the mid-1990s, addiction to the Internet has been classified as a mental illness (lol). The study published today in Injury Prevention, a state-owned magazine about preventing injury, aides the Chinese in a practice natural selection has been fine-tuning since before the dawn of time – basic survival – by insinuating that children who use the internet a lot will be twice as likely to self-harm.

The self-harming is in no way related to the oppressive conditions under the Chinese dictatorship, the study reported. “In fact, a large percentage of self-harm may be due to an excessive exposure to any emotion other than pure love for the State,” the Elf Wax Scientific Journal (already) reported in August.

One kid was harming the shit out of himself before the study began, and the attention he gained from being studied “subsided all abnormal, anti-social behavior.” However, this did not stop Chinese authorities for arresting the child on a possession charge for having too much more attention than other people in the country, a severe violation of the principles of Communism.

Other factors were accounted for in the study, this shitty article reports, “such as lifestyle, stressful events, the Chinese ban on both reproduction and masturbation, home environments, and others.

For this survey, self-harm meant something like pinching, cutting, burning, hair-pulling and intentionally holding in the feces for long periods of time.

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Let it be known that we here at The Elf Wax Times do not click on “Twitter” accounts – not even our own. Should we ever link to some shit-eating website we do not like, trust, or even want you to see, we right-click and select “copy link location” so we don’t waste our high-speed 56k internets on shit sites that don’t spell Truth.

The site we’ve referenced here is special, because it came about as the product of a powerful new blog software by Lebal Drocer that feeds Google news into the front end, Google images for relevant pictures, and AI-generates a story out its back end, throws all that shit together into broken div elements and just spews out an excuse for advertisements, which are also generated by keywords.

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Categories
Religion Science

STAY INDOORS! DEADLY GEMINID METEOR SHOWER TONIGHT

Meteor showers are violent death-displays of space’s dominance over mankind, and December’s Geminid meteor shower is only different from November’s leonid meteor shower in that it will be “twice as deadly,” says chief Elf Wax Astronomer Hem Cumming, who is also notably ‘Miley Cyrus’ biggest fan.’

One should look away from the skies between the hours of 12:00 am EST and dawn, and avoid going outside for any reason during these hours until the police tell you it’s safe to come back out of your homes, as there is no safe place in a meteor shower, nor would there be any hope for survival after being struck by one.

Elf Wax Scientist Langstrom T. Hugg said the scientific explanation for the Geminids states Gemini, the God of Slayer, master of demise, is reigning pure, crystalline hatred on the Earth for betraying him over Jesus, and this is what brave Astronomers see streaking across the night sky, should they dare to look.

Green shit fills the sky
Green shit fills the sky

“We’re basically populating the foretold Hell on Earth,” said Dr. Hugg. “The Bible prophecies many things, including the housing crisis, and the Black Dawn of the Anti-Christ, Barack Obama. The mind-blowing pain of the Geminid meteor shower reminds us never to foresake Gemini again, and that we should fear Jesus more than we love him.”

The phony scientific community that claims Dr. Hugg’s research is “invalid” because it is “not based on fact” should be disregarded, said Dr. Hugg, “because they have already proven to The Elf Wax Times, and thus to America, that they are not worthy of God’s Glory when they gave credence to the hedonistic pleasures of the dinosaur bones, put here to test our faith in the glorious Lord who neither The Elf Wax Times, nor I, dare not forsake.”

As lead astronomer for The Elf Wax Times Dr. Hugg is the only source used, his word is accepted as unerring fact. So it is with great responsibility and duty to our loyal readers that you stay indoors, America, and let those Phillipino know-nothings die like dogs in their rice patties under the fiery wrath of Gemini so we may take their land in God’s name, amen.